Last week I talked about enjoying those last precious moments of summer. As it turns to the celebration of labor day, it's often a sad good bye to summer. We are left to return to routines and order, leaving the spontaneity of summer behind. We are also left with the residual effect of indulgences. Summer treats from a little ice cream, to fast food, to an extra piece of candy are great fun when it’s hot, but as things cool down and indulgences are replaced with reinforcing rules, problems seem to arise.
So how does a parent reel in from semi-frequent indulgences? It is a simple yet complicated answer. The first step is to identify what pattern of indulgences have been set. Perhaps the grocery store line always ends with a piece of candy to sooth the worn out child. Perhaps on Thursday when Dad works late, a pattern has developed to swing by the fast food joint. Looking at these two examples, this parent has paired grocery shopping with candy, so the child now expects the candy as part of the routine, even if the parent justifies it differently. Likewise, fast food Thursday has become a pattern, which a child may mentally pair either with a day of the week, or whenever Daddy works late.
Once you have identified the pattern, then you can aptly work to change it. Easily said, not easily done. Realize that changing patterns takes effort, discipline and persistence. Start with a talk about shopping. Indicate that in the past, we went through the line and got candy, but the rules have changed. Then explain your rule. Expect complaining and in some children, a revolt. Giving in teaches them that the (negative) behavior (which is getting worse, because you are trying to hold out longer than them) they are expressing is rewarded (by candy). Using an alternative reward may be necessary for some children. Choose a reward that is acceptable to your family. Perhaps it’s a sticker or a stamp, rather than a sugary item you would rather them not have.
I have stocked up at Wee Peats on inexpensive small toys that make great rewards for errand day, without breaking the bank.
As for the fast food jaunt, this can be more involved, as in this situation the fast food route may be Mom’s way of relieving some stress of parenting alone for an extended period of time on Thursdays. Think of alternative ways that you can feed your family that is healthier. Perhaps a trip to Trader Joe’s packaged refrigerator or frozen section can help you out. Keeping kids busy while you cook, can also be helpful. I have found pretend food lets young children cook along side you, while still giving you some space.
The philosophy of changing indulgences is simple:
1) Identify the pattern you want to change
2) Create a new pattern or a new rule
3) Stick to the new pattern or rule.
The act of changing indulgences can be much more difficult, depending on how long the pattern has been occurring, the parents feelings about giving up the indulgence, and how emotionally attached the child is to the item or experience. It is possible to make changes. Be strong and know that you are the parent and you choose what is best for your child(ren).
Parenting tips has been brought to you by Lisa Klipfel, MFT, a child therapist with an office in San Clemente. Future parenting tips will highlight developmental milestones, positive discipline, bonding and so much more. Read more about Lisa here.
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